Tuesday, January 29, 2013


My brother's girlfriend's dad died on Friday, and it hit pretty close to home, as I have first hand experience on parental death.  It was very unexpected.  A heart episode, similar to when athletes just keel over and bite it.  Her and her family were in fairly good shape, everything considered.  Herr parents divorced when she was a kid, due mainly to her father's alcoholism, which led to a lot of bad feelings toward him.  However, they were rectified, and her and her sisters had the best relationship with him of their adult lives when he passed.  Silver lining was that there were no more negative feelings, so that there weren't any real lingering regrets past those that are normal when losing a loved one.

So, I met him all of one time, but like I said, I've got experience in this sort of thing.  So it's been kind of haunting my mind.  In addition to the numerous other things preoccupying my thoughts, invading my subconscious.  My new car took a shit with engine problems, which could potentially be incredibly costly.  Because I fucked up with the oil.  So I'm paranoid about that.  And I got emotionally crushed. Unintentionally too.  By my longstanding unrequited situation.  Everything keeps coming in shitty cycles.  One thing goes the way I want it to, and then other shit keeps coming back.  I need to get out of this place mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically.

Last year, I read Jack Kerouac's masterful novel On the Road, and Ernest Hemingway's incredible novel of post-war expatriates in Paris.  Both got me thinking very heavily about where I am physically and where I could be.  Wisconsin ranked 42nd in job growth over the last year.  The more I look for a job I want, the more I realize that those opportunities are few  and far between here in my home state.  The more miserable I become, the more my yearning for a new place grows.  I wonder if the only answer is to jump without the rope, so that fear will find me.


  1. Well maybe you could consider a fresh start somewhere else. You might need to take a while to get all that done, but it would be good to have a goal. Don't focus so much time on who you could be. So many thoughts at least. That's useless unless you do something about it and the longer you don't, the more depressed you're going to become.

    I'm sorry for her loss but it's pretty good they were able to make up and have a lot of good times together before the end. She doesn't need to live with the regret, and he didn't need to die with it.

  2. Ugh... A death in extended families is still pretty bad (well, I guess we could consider him part of the extended family?).

    The job situation here isn't looking so hot either. Best of luck to both of us. :(