Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Clawing holes in the wall with a gardening rake

Well, a bit of good news amidst a period of time feeling nihilistic and numb and deaf and dumb and all sorts of Helen Kellerish. Blind to the outside world, possibly, caught in my own fucking dungeon of self-loathing. A couple of weeks ago I took an exam for the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, specifically for a Ranger position. Looking to cash in on some Gov't employee money. Found out I passed said exam, which, according to my uncle who is a retired DNR employee, guarantees me an interview. Which means that I'm one step closer to nailing a perfect fucking job. I'll pretty much be a cop within state-owned land (state parks, state forests, Wildlife preserves, etc). I love the outdoors, so this seems like a pretty baller fit. Plus, I can always work my way through the DNR, make a career, that kind of stuff. So that's pretty cool.

I've been working through my self-loathing through the most punishing routines I have ever indulged in. I'm a fat guy. And for a long time, I have no longer wished to be a fat guy, but I have one fatal flaw: I am incredibly lazy. Without the structure of a job or school, I would, if able, do literally nothing. So not only have I started exercising again, to attempt to get down to the size I had through college, where I worked out more, and ate less, and was like 50 pounds skinnier (still fat), but I have done it in a brutal degree. And it feels pretty good. If I'm going to get into shape, I can't just do it casually, I need to punish myself. And, through this ordeal, I have been listening to one of my favorite extreme genres of music: Powerviolence. Take hardcore punk. Then give it some roofies and rape it with grindcore. That's powerviolence. One of the most savage, nigh unlistenable subgenres in the world. And I loves it. Bands like Magrudergrind, Man is the Bastard, Infest, Spazz, Dropdead, Hellnation, Capitalist Casualties, and Charles Bronson. Because in the end, I like my music like I like my women: Fucking crazy. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go ballistic for the next half-hour an then pass out.


  1. Don't think I could listen to that music for more than, I dunno a minute and ten, but it kicked fucking ass for that amount of time.

    It's weird to hear you talk about a 'career' but you know, if it's going to be ideal for you then grab hold of that thing and hug it into submission. I hope you get it.

    I'm all caught up on your stuff. So many bells ringing and parallels. And the self loathing (and the oversleeping).

    Man, I hope I get a 'break' soon, like you.

    Maybe I need more powerviolence in my life.

    Take care brudda.

  2. Ok I don't know if you'll get the carefully thought out comment I just put. You're one of the relatively few bloggers I sincerely care about. I hope you get that job, it sounds awesome.

  3. I don't know why I used the word "relatively" there. Maybe because I'm a fucking idiot. Or maybe because I'm mad that the one time I actually sit there for a minute and type something sincere, blogger fucking eats my comment. It wasn't that great anyway.

  4. Blogger can be a bitch. Which sucks, because I would have liked to read that comment. Thanks guys. It's weird, I forgot how therapeutic blogging is, and I was just on a little break.

  5. crazy is the right word. have a good rest!

  6. Eating more healthy is one of the first things to consider if you want to loose weight. Oh, and never drink soft drings like cola, sprite etc they are harmful to your body.

    Good luck!