Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Getting The Fuck Out This Bitch

I'm prepping to head up into the woods with a friend and his parents.  Got invited, figured why not? Get out of this fucking black hole of a town and try to have a good time.  Get my mind off of things.  Because I'm feeling pretty down right now.

So my woman problems came to abrupt and shitty end.  Last night, I was hanging out with the focus of previous posts, my eponymous lady-friend.  She's moving to her new apartment today and starts her shiny new job on Monday.  And I took a gamble, and some advice from a few commentators of previous posts, decided to go for broke.  Did it big (ish. Big considering my nigh negative budget).  Have some nice looking flowers in the garden behind my house, picked some and wrapped them up.  Grabbed a bottle of shitty red wine.  Kicked my brother out of the house for three hours and cooked this simple yet very good pasta dish  I kind of just winged one night (I will admit, I'm a pretty good cook).  Invited her over, told her we'd get a pizza or something, she showed up, and blam!  Surprise dinner for two.  So we ate, had a couple of glasses of wine each, and were just kind of chilling in my basement watching the Big Lebowski (aka the most ROMANTIC MOVIE OF ALL TIME).  Anyways, we're having a good time, kind of cuddled up on my partially broken futon, and I gather up the nerve I'd been searching for, and go for broke.  I ask her where we were headed when she moved.  What she thought of what we had, and what could happen next.  I told her how I felt about her, and that yes, long distance is a bitch, but an hour and a half wasn't an difficult length to drive weekly or whatever.  And that she was worth it, and I thought we had something.  She said we did, and that if her life wasn't moving forward as fast as it was right now, we could try to see what happens.  But she had a lot on my plate, a future to look forward to, and I was just kind of stranded in limbo.  And she was sorry, and if we waited, and I got my life sorted out, we could see how we felt about each other in the future and go for it then.  And that regardless, we were still friends, and we were still going to be friends,  So I was kind of in shock, just kind of sat in silence until the movie ended, then i walked her out, told her not to go too crazy getting all her stuff moved, and she went home.  She texted me like two hours later seeing if I was alright, and I told her I'd need a while to decompress, and that I'd talk to her when I got back from my friend's cabin.

So, I barely slept, am leaving in about two hours, and have been listening to music all night while surfing random shit on the internet.  Music, I might add, that kind of parrots my feeling and mood.  I feel like a high school kid again, and my girlfriend just dumped me (metaphorically.  I never had a girlfriend in high school.  I was too weird and too fucked up).  I figure this is the last therapeutic act regarding this.  But it's just one more thing on top of other shit.  I need a win right now.  I need something to go my way, because I've just been languishing and unable to get anything to turn out the way I want it to.  Even something as simple as catching a monster fish when I'm up north this week.  Something.

I find it profound how Husker Du's catalogue can be so amazing and encompass so much passion and emotion in it.  Candy Apple Grey is my favorite bitter, depressing album, and this song is just savagely bleak and perfect for making a shitty mood worse to purge sadness from oneself.

16 comments:

  1. Alright it might not be much comfort, but you went for it, you did more than most. You don't have to spend your life wondering what if. It sucks things didn't go down that way, and I could spout endless "It's not so bad" phrases your way, but sometimes, you just don't want to hear them. Have fun in the forest, I'll miss your general malcontent-ness, but I'll survive. Good luck catching a giant fish, and the subsequent eating frenzy that will ensue.

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  2. Sorry to hear that, but I think you'll bounce back and be back on your feet in no time :)

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  3. i've passed from a similar position as you a few days ago, although it was a kind of inverted.
    i am at a loss too and the only advice i can offer is to try and find something to occupy yourself and set your mind straight until things get better. great track btw :)

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  4. Hey sorry to hear that, but at least you made one hell of a meal! "]

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  5. Ahhh man, that sucks =( I wish I knew how to make people feel better, but all that comes to my mind are cliches. Just try and disconnect while you'll be wandering through the woods..

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  6. Sucks to hear what happened to you but there's still more days to come.

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  7. You can never go wrong with a trip to the woods. EVER. Have fun1

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  8. "and I got my life sorted out"
    What does that even mean? Fuck that, she can't tell you what's a "proper" way of living.

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  9. Not sure if you were serious about your feelings for Ya-Ya Sisterhood, but I'm not going to judge being that I've a) never seen/read it and b) just watched The Notebook recently and cried. But I know that feel bro, and I'm 31 now and have as of now been in my first ever reasonably healthy relationship for just over a year. So if I am any indicator then things will get better for you. But an unfortunate truth is that women like guys who have their shit together (or at least appear to). You've got to play their game if you want to enjoy their sweet sweet sexual favors (and love and whatnot). Enjoy your trip.

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  10. Also, being that Husker Du are one of the key forefathers of the Pixies they will always have my considerable respect.

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  11. Hey good luck! "] keep posting!

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