So, I'm kind of having my world rocked pretty hard at the moment. I'm supposed to be filling out an application to go permanent at my job, but I don't want to. I hate that place. I hate the monotony, I hate the overtime, I hate waking up and knowing that if I just didn't go, no one would give a shit, and they'd have another temp in by the end of the week. Because all they need are warm bodies to push buttons and handle parts. That's it. It really sucks having to wake up every day and do something you don't want to do. When you know you have the skill and the intelligence to do what you want, but that opportunity never presents itself. But, I have to endure, because if I get a permanent position, I get health insurance. Because my health coverage under my dad runs out next month on my birthday. My 26th birthday.
Of course, it's not just one thing. It's a complete avalanche that started with my job as the initial snowballing, but now, more shit started piling on top of it to make me feel like a complete fucking loser. I'm sorry for the pity party, but I'm just so low right now, I can't focus on anything else. Besides, blogging always makes me feel better, especially when I have vented enough. So here goes.
I know life isn't a competition. I know that. But the success of others, for me, is always a way to examine my own falters and gauge my own success. Is there a bit of jealousy when others succeed over me? Of course. I'm only human. Very human, despite what previous drunken blog posts might indicate. I have two cousins who are my age. We're completely different people, but we were bros when we were younger. They're family. A month ago, one of them bought a house. He's a foreman for a contractor, has been working since he graduated high school. We're talking 60+ hour weeks for most of the year, and now that he's a foreman, he's got bank. So initially, I ignored it. I could potentially be in the same position if I had foregone college and just started working. But, as I found out earlier this week, my other same age cousin has also bought a house. He went to college, and afterwards, was unemployed for like a year. Now, he's buying a house. And I live in my dad's basement. Feels bad, man.
So, the avalanche grows. Now, I don't have the greatest track record with the ladies recently. I'm in a funk. I've been enamored with a friend of mine, who is pretty, nice, funny, interesting, witty, fun to be around, makes me feel good about myself, and in general, just makes me want to be a better person. So, I finally worked up the courage to ask her on a date. She declines, says she's not looking to date anyone. I accepted that, who cares, we're still friends. Figure I can wear her down maybe, or keep looking around, maybe things will work out. It was like two months ago. Over the weekend, meet up with some friends I haven't seen in a while, we're all drinking out at the bars, having a good time, and this girl is there. Has this dude with her, I don't think too much of it. Until I see them kissing. And find out that she's been dating this dude for two weeks. So clearly, by saying she's not looking to date anyone, she clearly meant that she didn't want to date me. And instead of being honest, which means I could have gotten over it, I now have to deal with this on top of everything else that's been going on. So I got drunk, crashed at a friend's place, went with his roommate to get breakfast after staying up all night after this roommate had a gay old time in the shower with another friend of mine.
The last straw that sent me into this despair spiral was on Monday. My brother is graduating college next month. He was worried about having a job. He had interviews set up last week. He got a job after his first interview. A pretty decent first post-college job. In the almost three years since I graduated, I have not had a single interview for the dozens of jobs that would utilize my degree; in fact, 90% of them didn't even contact me saying they were not interested. It's been three years of rejection and constantly being confused as to what I've been doing wrong, and not sure as to what I've been doing right. It's fucking frustrating and depressing. I mean, I love my brothers, and I'm glad that he doesn't have to worry about post-college employment, but it's hard being the perennial family loser. I'm the oldest brother, yet both of my younger brothers are better than me. They got better grades in high school, got into a better college, and are getting better grades in college than i did. They played in sports, were popular, all that shit that I don't think about, until I'm reminded of it by circumstance. I've got nothing to show for the last three years of my life. And that's why I'm depressed. I had a rare burst of inspiration at work today for a story, independent of my ongoing saga over at my other Blog, but as I've sat down to start writing it after jotting down some notes during work, it's just fucking depressing me further. So I'm going to fill out this fucking application and give it to my boss tomorrow, and try not to drink myself to death because of it. Wish me luck. I need it.