Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I want to get out of here
I don't have a job, I'm not particularly attached to being around my family all the time, and other than a few dedicated friends in the area, I don't have a huge attachment to a lot of people around me. I have roughly 800 dollars in my bank account. I want a change. But I don't think I'm capable of doing it myself. These are the things that keep me awake. Do I just go for broke, or play it safe and steady? If I do leave, how will I meet new people? Will I? Can I make a career out there in the big, bad world, or should I just find a job nearby? What do I even want as a career? At what point do I just give up on my dreams? I don't have an answer to any of these questions, and it's driving me crazy. It's easy to see what my family expects out of me: get a job, move out of this pre-adult stage, stop getting wasted, and move back towards being a member of society. But I don't want just a "job." I want something I can enjoy or can lead towards a career. If I merely wanted a job, I could have had one over and over again, by settling for whatever sales or office position was available. But I don't. Is it foolish? Probably, but I get complacent easily, and if I am complacent, I don't push myself. I do what I've done so many times in the past: work at a level of incredible mediocrity. So I can sit here in my dad's basement, staying up until or six in the morning and sleeping until the afternoon, surfing the internet and listening to music, wondering these questions. Or I can do something about it. But for the life of me, I don't know what I can do. So I do just sit here. And watch life flow around me, wondering what stops me from being like everyone else.