Tuesday, January 29, 2013


My brother's girlfriend's dad died on Friday, and it hit pretty close to home, as I have first hand experience on parental death.  It was very unexpected.  A heart episode, similar to when athletes just keel over and bite it.  Her and her family were in fairly good shape, everything considered.  Herr parents divorced when she was a kid, due mainly to her father's alcoholism, which led to a lot of bad feelings toward him.  However, they were rectified, and her and her sisters had the best relationship with him of their adult lives when he passed.  Silver lining was that there were no more negative feelings, so that there weren't any real lingering regrets past those that are normal when losing a loved one.

So, I met him all of one time, but like I said, I've got experience in this sort of thing.  So it's been kind of haunting my mind.  In addition to the numerous other things preoccupying my thoughts, invading my subconscious.  My new car took a shit with engine problems, which could potentially be incredibly costly.  Because I fucked up with the oil.  So I'm paranoid about that.  And I got emotionally crushed. Unintentionally too.  By my longstanding unrequited situation.  Everything keeps coming in shitty cycles.  One thing goes the way I want it to, and then other shit keeps coming back.  I need to get out of this place mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically.

Last year, I read Jack Kerouac's masterful novel On the Road, and Ernest Hemingway's incredible novel of post-war expatriates in Paris.  Both got me thinking very heavily about where I am physically and where I could be.  Wisconsin ranked 42nd in job growth over the last year.  The more I look for a job I want, the more I realize that those opportunities are few  and far between here in my home state.  The more miserable I become, the more my yearning for a new place grows.  I wonder if the only answer is to jump without the rope, so that fear will find me.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

New Year, Same Shit

My sleep schedule has been pretty fucked up this week.  Got out of whack from being unable to fall asleep and now, it's totally crazy.  Every day this week, I've been sleeping for like three hours in the middle of the day, and then dozing on and off while listening to music from like 7 until 10ish.  It's really, really strange.  So I'll be up all night and morning, then take a nap to "right" my sleep schedule, then while I do my usual read/listen to music evening stint, I end up falling asleep because a rod snapped on my ancient reading chair and rendered it unusable unless I wish to risk sitting in an awkward position and cutting my back to shit on metal.  But, it's been freezing fucking cold here.  Today was the first time I left the house since Saturday, because when the temperature drops below 10 degree Fahrenheit, I tend to say fuck it.

Despite my newfound freedom in this new year, I'm feeling like survivor's guilt from the apocalypse or something.  It's a really strange frame of mind that's like borderline depressive.  Borderline, mind you.  I was in worse shape over a month ago.  Now, I just feel aimless, unprepared, and still mentally drained.  i figured that a month would allow me to recuperate properly, but I'm still having pain twinges in the usual places from my job.  It's a haunting reminder of my time spent in that penal colony.

On the plus side, I've been reading a lot more because what the hell am I going to do with all this free time?  I haven't been writing because I'm in various planning stages; trying to ensure that I've got the framework for my next projects down so I can avoid pitfalls that usually happen when I try to write free and organic.  Which of course means I'm doing something, but it doesn't FEEL like it because there's minimal physical evidence of this work happening.  I have a few composition books that are slowly filling up with notes, but that's about it.  That, and few jobs I've applied to that seem like they'd be a pretty decent way to make some money.

I gotta get all these feels under better control because apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand.  It's somewhat embarrassing: before I entered my new phase of unemployment, I talked up a pretty mean game about my plans, but they're just being plagued by that goddamn apathy.  Personally, I partially blame myself and I partially blame winter: there are times I want to just go outside for a walk to clear my head, but it's so goddamn cold out!  The plague of upper Midwest living I guess.  If I had the money to burn, I'd invest in a treadmill off of craig's list or a gym membership, but when you're in the hole a guaranteed three hundred dollars every month, (plus other uncalculated expenses), you really don't want to sign a fucking contract to ensure that for the next year, I'm stuck paying 30-40 bucks a month out of single pool of money.

Needless to say, I'm kind of back.  I've got time, I kind of have some feels to share and some things going on, so I feel comfortable saying that you can plan on me updating this thing with a little more frequency that angry drunk posts.  As a bonus, here's a song by Matt & Kim.  They're pretty awesome Indie Pop stuff, which I'm normally never into, but it could partially be because I have a crush on Kim, despite the fact the two are a couple.  Guess I have to choose between her or the music.  Tough call.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

The devil's nectar

Mu drinking problem has hit some awesome points recently.  It's not really a secret that I have one, but as I'm beginning to spiral back out of control, I've decided it's about time to get it under control.  FYI, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a binge drinker.  I don't feel the need to drink all the time (although I usually drink when I have a problem or I'm bored, so it happens more frequently), but when I drink, I drink to complete excess.  I don't have an off switch until I'm like a couple drinks away from being completely obliterated.  Which has caused some awesome trends.  My tolerance, coupled with my fatitude, is the highest it has ever been, which means the amount of alcohol I need to consume before I feel it is crazy high, which leads to brutal hangovers (like today's).

So, I'm basically quitting drinking for a while.  I want to drop my tolerance, feel ok about myself more, and spend less money (especially because I don't have a job).  Now, I don't want to completely quit, but my goal is to not get drunk for a month.  I like the taste of beer.  I like having drinks with my friends.  So I'm limiting my consumption to two or three beers an outing for the next month.  It seems very doable.  I just have to have the willpower to do so.