Well, a bit of good news amidst a period of time feeling nihilistic and numb and deaf and dumb and all sorts of Helen Kellerish. Blind to the outside world, possibly, caught in my own fucking dungeon of self-loathing. A couple of weeks ago I took an exam for the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, specifically for a Ranger position. Looking to cash in on some Gov't employee money. Found out I passed said exam, which, according to my uncle who is a retired DNR employee, guarantees me an interview. Which means that I'm one step closer to nailing a perfect fucking job. I'll pretty much be a cop within state-owned land (state parks, state forests, Wildlife preserves, etc). I love the outdoors, so this seems like a pretty baller fit. Plus, I can always work my way through the DNR, make a career, that kind of stuff. So that's pretty cool.
I've been working through my self-loathing through the most punishing routines I have ever indulged in. I'm a fat guy. And for a long time, I have no longer wished to be a fat guy, but I have one fatal flaw: I am incredibly lazy. Without the structure of a job or school, I would, if able, do literally nothing. So not only have I started exercising again, to attempt to get down to the size I had through college, where I worked out more, and ate less, and was like 50 pounds skinnier (still fat), but I have done it in a brutal degree. And it feels pretty good. If I'm going to get into shape, I can't just do it casually, I need to punish myself. And, through this ordeal, I have been listening to one of my favorite extreme genres of music: Powerviolence. Take hardcore punk. Then give it some roofies and rape it with grindcore. That's powerviolence. One of the most savage, nigh unlistenable subgenres in the world. And I loves it. Bands like Magrudergrind, Man is the Bastard, Infest, Spazz, Dropdead, Hellnation, Capitalist Casualties, and Charles Bronson. Because in the end, I like my music like I like my women: Fucking crazy. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go ballistic for the next half-hour an then pass out.