Getting The Fuck Out This Bitch

I'm prepping to head up into the woods with a friend and his parents.  Got invited, figured why not? Get out of this fucking black hole of a town and try to have a good time.  Get my mind off of things.  Because I'm feeling pretty down right now.

So my woman problems came to abrupt and shitty end.  Last night, I was hanging out with the focus of previous posts, my eponymous lady-friend.  She's moving to her new apartment today and starts her shiny new job on Monday.  And I took a gamble, and some advice from a few commentators of previous posts, decided to go for broke.  Did it big (ish. Big considering my nigh negative budget).  Have some nice looking flowers in the garden behind my house, picked some and wrapped them up.  Grabbed a bottle of shitty red wine.  Kicked my brother out of the house for three hours and cooked this simple yet very good pasta dish  I kind of just winged one night (I will admit, I'm a pretty good cook).  Invited her over, told her we'd get a pizza or something, she showed up, and blam!  Surprise dinner for two.  So we ate, had a couple of glasses of wine each, and were just kind of chilling in my basement watching the Big Lebowski (aka the most ROMANTIC MOVIE OF ALL TIME).  Anyways, we're having a good time, kind of cuddled up on my partially broken futon, and I gather up the nerve I'd been searching for, and go for broke.  I ask her where we were headed when she moved.  What she thought of what we had, and what could happen next.  I told her how I felt about her, and that yes, long distance is a bitch, but an hour and a half wasn't an difficult length to drive weekly or whatever.  And that she was worth it, and I thought we had something.  She said we did, and that if her life wasn't moving forward as fast as it was right now, we could try to see what happens.  But she had a lot on my plate, a future to look forward to, and I was just kind of stranded in limbo.  And she was sorry, and if we waited, and I got my life sorted out, we could see how we felt about each other in the future and go for it then.  And that regardless, we were still friends, and we were still going to be friends,  So I was kind of in shock, just kind of sat in silence until the movie ended, then i walked her out, told her not to go too crazy getting all her stuff moved, and she went home.  She texted me like two hours later seeing if I was alright, and I told her I'd need a while to decompress, and that I'd talk to her when I got back from my friend's cabin.

So, I barely slept, am leaving in about two hours, and have been listening to music all night while surfing random shit on the internet.  Music, I might add, that kind of parrots my feeling and mood.  I feel like a high school kid again, and my girlfriend just dumped me (metaphorically.  I never had a girlfriend in high school.  I was too weird and too fucked up).  I figure this is the last therapeutic act regarding this.  But it's just one more thing on top of other shit.  I need a win right now.  I need something to go my way, because I've just been languishing and unable to get anything to turn out the way I want it to.  Even something as simple as catching a monster fish when I'm up north this week.  Something.

I find it profound how Husker Du's catalogue can be so amazing and encompass so much passion and emotion in it.  Candy Apple Grey is my favorite bitter, depressing album, and this song is just savagely bleak and perfect for making a shitty mood worse to purge sadness from oneself.