My sleep schedule has been pretty fucked up this week. Got out of whack from being unable to fall asleep and now, it's totally crazy. Every day this week, I've been sleeping for like three hours in the middle of the day, and then dozing on and off while listening to music from like 7 until 10ish. It's really, really strange. So I'll be up all night and morning, then take a nap to "right" my sleep schedule, then while I do my usual read/listen to music evening stint, I end up falling asleep because a rod snapped on my ancient reading chair and rendered it unusable unless I wish to risk sitting in an awkward position and cutting my back to shit on metal. But, it's been freezing fucking cold here. Today was the first time I left the house since Saturday, because when the temperature drops below 10 degree Fahrenheit, I tend to say fuck it.
Despite my newfound freedom in this new year, I'm feeling like survivor's guilt from the apocalypse or something. It's a really strange frame of mind that's like borderline depressive. Borderline, mind you. I was in worse shape over a month ago. Now, I just feel aimless, unprepared, and still mentally drained. i figured that a month would allow me to recuperate properly, but I'm still having pain twinges in the usual places from my job. It's a haunting reminder of my time spent in that penal colony.
On the plus side, I've been reading a lot more because what the hell am I going to do with all this free time? I haven't been writing because I'm in various planning stages; trying to ensure that I've got the framework for my next projects down so I can avoid pitfalls that usually happen when I try to write free and organic. Which of course means I'm doing something, but it doesn't FEEL like it because there's minimal physical evidence of this work happening. I have a few composition books that are slowly filling up with notes, but that's about it. That, and few jobs I've applied to that seem like they'd be a pretty decent way to make some money.
I gotta get all these feels under better control because apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand. It's somewhat embarrassing: before I entered my new phase of unemployment, I talked up a pretty mean game about my plans, but they're just being plagued by that goddamn apathy. Personally, I partially blame myself and I partially blame winter: there are times I want to just go outside for a walk to clear my head, but it's so goddamn cold out! The plague of upper Midwest living I guess. If I had the money to burn, I'd invest in a treadmill off of craig's list or a gym membership, but when you're in the hole a guaranteed three hundred dollars every month, (plus other uncalculated expenses), you really don't want to sign a fucking contract to ensure that for the next year, I'm stuck paying 30-40 bucks a month out of single pool of money.
Needless to say, I'm kind of back. I've got time, I kind of have some feels to share and some things going on, so I feel comfortable saying that you can plan on me updating this thing with a little more frequency that angry drunk posts. As a bonus, here's a song by Matt & Kim. They're pretty awesome Indie Pop stuff, which I'm normally never into, but it could partially be because I have a crush on Kim, despite the fact the two are a couple. Guess I have to choose between her or the music. Tough call.
Well I hope you can pick yourself up. It's not too much fun to walk out in the cold but it's still worth it. I think that you just need to be a bit more productive. Getting out the house should hopefully help. Depressive funks are the worst thing to get out of though, and I still get caught in mine.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back. If it makes you feel any better my sleep cycle has also been completely ruined. I sleep 3 hours a night for 2 days and then crash and sleep for 10 the next day.
ReplyDeleteRinse and repeat for the rest of the week.